I have a jealousy of those who possess the kind of laissez-faire friendship I had growing up and of which I am now sorely missing. This is a lasting problem. I am well met by a culture of effortless camaraderie come together for the love of movies but do not feel in any lasting way belonging to said culture. Cinephiles, on the whole, are a gregarious, the more the merrier, bunch. It has taken me years to finally come to terms with the fact that I do not belong with these people in anything more than an occasional pass-by. It doesn't feel like a home, but a continual on the road carnival experience. A home would be nice. Strangely I miss what it was like to not talk about film, and just enjoy the experience. My job goads the agitation as I have so much time to listen to people announce their all-too-healthy social lives. I'd rather the party stay out of my room, and I am working towards that happening. Writing feels like a way to sap the longing and not bleed out entirely.
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